Categorie archief: Personal

I am loved (song / reprise) and a story about bullying

Click on the video to listen to this a cappella song. This is only the reprise. If you like to hear the full song, then you should scroll down to one of the older articles published on the 1st of October 2021.

Lyrics by Ryan Maurice Roemer.
Filmed on 15 December 2020.

Originally, the title of this song used to be ‘I’M NOT LOVED’. I wrote this song in early 1993 when I was 14 years old. I used to sing: ‘I’m not loved. This child is not loved.’ I was a lonely black teenager who was bullied at high school, because I was different and gay, so with this song I expressed my pain and sorrow. Actually, bullying had already started when I was 12 years old. I was bullied by some older white boys in my neighbourhood Houtwijk in The Hague in the Netherlands. They always called me a ‘faggot’. They didn’t like me, because I was a girlie boy with a feminine type of voice. One day a large group of older teenboys, maybe 10 boys, started throwing big stones at me. In the afternoon me and a friend (a Dutch white boy) went to a little nature park in my neighbourhood. He was 12 years old just like me. He was a junior swimming champion and loved water sports, so we went sailing in a mini inflatable boat in the waters of this little park. The group of bullies saw us and walked to the ditch side and started throwing big stones at me and calling me a ‘faggot’ and they screamed that they hated me and wanted to beat me up. It was very overwhelming and intimidating. Luckily, my friend who was taller and very strong started rowing really fast in the water. We tried to escape to another part of the water, but the bullies kept following us, while they walked along the ditch side. We shouted that they should stop throwing stones, but they continued doing this for more than an hour. We tried to hide behind large plants in the water. We had to stay in our boat and could not return to the land, because those big boys stood on the ditch side and threatened to beat me up. Nobody came to help us, because nobody noticed. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed, because now my friend knew that many boys in the neighbourhood called me a ‘faggot’. That was not so cool of course. I also felt sorry that he had to experience this traumatic event because of me. I felt a bit guilty, because he was not gay or girlie at all. So this is how a beautiful sunny afternoon became a nightmare. Eventually, after more than an hour the bullies walked away, finally. It felt like survival. Even today I still have a mild form of social anxiety disorder and PTSD.

Because of this event in spring 1991 I became aware that I was very different from other boys and at that moment I knew that my life was going to be very different from other people’s lives. And indeed my life has been very different. I have received a lot of rejections from people in this life time. Even plenty of rejections from other gay people. When I was about 16 years old, my aunt who is bisexual warned me and said that gay men hate effeminate men. Well, many years later when I was 21 years old I found out that my aunt was right. I came out of the closet in 2000 and started exploring the gay scene in the Netherlands. It’s true that a lot of gay men hate femininity in other men. They hate softness in men. They think it’s something bad. I’ve never received any real support from the gay community. Most gay men (the masculine types) don’t really know what it’s like to be different. Being masculine is still a privilege in this world. Honestly, I think that a lot of gay men are afraid to show feminine characteristics. 

If you’re a girlie boy, then most people wil stay away from you. They won’t be interested in friendship and won’t pay serious attention to you, unless you dress up in drag queen clothes. People seem to like men in drag, because they like to be entertained. I know that some people wonder if I walk around in high heals and with makeup, but I’ve never done that. There’s nothing wrong with it. If men like to do that, they should feel free to enjoy it. I noticed that drag queens have become very popular in recent years. There are also a lot of straight men who like to walk around in women’s clothes and lingerie. It has become a fetish, I guess. Because of this current hype things seem to have improved for feminine men, but that’s not really the case. If you’re a girlie boy who is not a crossdresser, then you will still be rejected a lot in daily life. Not only your social life will be very different, but also your professional life will be different, because you will get fewer opportunities. So I understand why some gay men decide to start working as drag queens. Drag queens are so popular now. But that’s not something I would do, because I don’t want to be seen as a clownesk entertainer, but as a human being in the first place.

There is a reason why I became the way I am today. After so many rejections I had no choice but to grow incredibly strong spiritually. That’s the only way to survive.

I’ve changed the title of my song to ‘I AM LOVED’. From now on I will sing: ‘I am loved. This child is very loved.’ Because I cannot and don’t want to leave this planet thinking that I’m not loved. I know that the Universe loves me, the great Cosmic Spirit loves me, Mother Nature loves me and my own mother who gave birth to me loves me too. And I also love myself. In this lifetime I have encountered angels protecting and guiding me. So this is my message to all children who are victims and survivors of bullying: I know this is a very nasty world, but don’t ever stop loving yourself. And don’t let the bullies trick you into thinking that God doesn’t love you. That’s the biggest lie of all. God loves you more than you’ll ever know.

Love,

Ryan 

 

The Devil Tempts in Dreams: The 2010 Volcanic Eruptions of Eyjafjallajökull Released an Evil Spirit on the Earth

I’ve met the devil in a dream in April 2010 and I think there’s a connection to the volcanic eruptions of Eyjafjallajökull in April 2010. I believe these volcanic eruptions released an evil spirit on the Earth and the whole world is suffering from this.

In another dream I’ve also met an angel in a beautiful flower garden.

The 2010 Volcanic Eruptions of Eyjafjallajökull Released an Evil Spirit on the Earth

Although it’s April 2019 right now, I would like to travel back to April 2010 when the volcano Eyjafjallajökull erupted on Iceland. Sometimes we need to go back in time to understand the present. Eyjafjallajökull started erupting on Wednesday 14 April 2010. This was not an ordinary eruption, because it had big consequences for air travel in the Netherlands (where I live) and many other countries in Europe. On Thursday 15 april 2010 the Dutch authorities officially cancelled air travel, because a gigantic ash cloud would come over the Netherlands. Of course a volcanic eruption is never ordinary, but this eruption was very different from other eruptions, because it released an evil spirit. Why do I believe this? Please let me explain and don’t judge too soon.

During the night from 14 to 15 April 2010 I got a really weird dream. Maybe I’d better call it a nightmare, because this dream is extremely disturbing and creepy. In this dream I meet a wild man who appears in my house and walks around there. I don’t know what he’s doing here, because I never invited him. He looks like a wild man from the forest. He’s white, tall, athletic and completely naked and makes some animalistic sounds and he walks like a drunk man. He has a half long white beard and very long white hair falling straight from his head to his buttocks. Although he looks like a human being, he’s still very different, because he looks supernatural. I can’t really explain this. I think he’s a magician coming from a different world or dimension. Maybe his origins are extraterrestrial.

In my dream this wild man walks up the stairs. From my bedroom I can see him walking upstairs, because the door of my room is open, but he doesn’t enter my bedroom, because he knows that I don’t want him to enter. But he keeps looking at me, so I walk to him, because I wonder what this stranger is doing in my house. It’s an unusual situation, because I’m dressed and he’s naked. Then he walks down stairs and I follow him to see where he’s going. There he enters another room and keeps standing next to the bed. He seems to be very horny, because he tries to seduce me in an unapologetic way. He turns around and bends over to show his ass. He looks at me and keeps waiting for me to mount him, but I refuse to fuck his ass. Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean that I like anal sex. In fact, I don’t like anal sex. I simply don’t want to touch him at all, because my spirit feels that this creature is very evil. I guess he’s disappointed or angry that I refuse to fuck his ass, because then something really horrible happens. He starts throwing up in the room and he’s doing this on purpose! He doesn’t hurt or attack me personally, but he wants to make the whole room around me dirty. His vomiting is like a volcanic eruption. It comes on the walls, the bed, the furniture, the mirror and the floor. It’s everywhere! I have never seen anything like this. It feels like an evil dragon is spitting huge balls of fire through the room. Then after a while I wake up in my bedroom and everything is peaceful again.

I got up in the morning of April 15th. Of course I felt confused by this disturbing dream and tried to figure out what it could mean. I was aware this is not just another dream. I felt angry and was thinking: ‘How dare this evil spirit come in my dream, in my mind and in my house! He’s so disrespectful! Get the fuck out of my life!’ It feels like spiritual harassment. The dream is not about sex. It only seems that way. It’s just a game that he plays. I call it ‘temptation’. I don’t believe he’s interested in sex. He’s only pretending. What he really wants, is my soul, but he will never get my soul, because my soul belongs to me. That makes him angry and that’s why he wants to destroy everything around me and he wants to isolate me and he wants to hurt the people that I love, but I will never allow him to do that. By the way, this was not the first time that I met the devil in a dream. I’ve met him many times before in dreams and he looks different in every dream.

I don’t remember exactly what time it was, but a little later in the morning or afternoon I saw a huge ash cloud in the sky from the windows of my bedroom, although the ash cloud was still far away. I lived really close to the coast in The Hague, so I could see the ash cloud right above the North Sea. I was shocked, because I had never seen a natural phenomenon like this before. A little later I talked about it with my family, but I never told them my dream, because I didn’t want to frighten them. I turned on the TV to listen to the news and I heard an annoucement that all airplane flights would be cancelled. I wondered if there was a connection between this volcanic eruption and the evil wild man in my dream, but I didn’t want to pay too much attention to this sick dream, so I tried to forget it and simply move on with my daily life.

Through the years I’ve wondered why this evil spirit revealed himself to me. There might be an explanation. In Spring 1990 when I was 11 years old, I wrote a little song about a volcano. The title of this song is ‘A libra is like a volcano’ (Original Dutch title: ‘Een weegschaal is net een vulkaan’). A few years later in October 1997 when I was 19 years old, I made a drawing with colored pencils and I called it ‘The Libra Volcano’. It used to hang on the wall in my bedroom. For me personally The Libra Volcano is about emotional balance, harmony with nature and peace. Maybe this song and this drawing caught the attention of an evil spirit. It’s possible that he interprets my song and drawing in a very different way. I guess he thinks that I’m interested in a volcanic spirit like him. Well, of course I’m interested in the forces of nature, because I love the Earth, but I’m not interested in nasty spirits like him.

But now it’s nine years later (April 2019) and I look back at all those years and everything that has happened in the world. I realize that this dream is not about me or my family, but it’s about the world. The evil spirit wants to pollute and destroy my home and that’s the Earth. So much drama has happened in Europe and the rest of the world since April 2010: the financial crisis and bankruptcy of Greece (the oldest country in Europe), a high rate of unemployment in the Netherlands and other European countries, multiple terrorist attacks in cities all over the world, the rise of ISIL (Islamic State) in the Middle East and Boko Haram in West Africa, kidnapping girls in the town of Chibok in Nigeria, huge numbers of refugees coming from Syria and Africa, refugees dying in the Mediterranean Sea, human trafficking, the re-emergence of xenophobia in Europe, the Brexit drama in the United Kingdom, the rise of neo-nazism in Europe and the USA, an increase of antisemitism, polarization between black people and white people in the Netherlands after criticism of the annual Dutch tradition of Sinterklaas and Zwarte Piet (= Saint Nicholas and his servant Blackface), racial profiling by policemen in the United States which caused the Black Lives Matter movement, the escalation of the conflict between Palestinians and Israelis, the mass murder of Palestinian children by Israeli soldiers and politicians, the rise of a new Cold War between Russia and the USA and Western Europe, the threat of a nuclear war between the USA and North Korea, the outbreak of ebola virus in West Africa in 2013 and zika virus in South America in 2015 and the financial and presidential crisis in Venezuela in 2019.

There’s also a financial crisis in Suriname which is the country where my parents come from. Everything has become very expensive and salaries are very low. Criminality and political corruption are big problems in Suriname. Another big problem: The Earth is losing so many forests, trees and animal species. And our seas and rivers are filled with plastic objects. It will get harder to get clean drinking water in the future. Fresh air might become a rarity too, because we keep polluting the air with our bad ways of living. Last but not least, I’m still shocked by the mysterious accidental death (or murder?) of some talented famous singers from the 1980s who died way too young. They died so quickly after each other.

Everything has become more extreme in recent years. More and more men and women mutilate their own skin with tattoos covering their whole bodies and even their faces. I’m very worried about this. I don’t have any tattoos, because I don’t like it. When I grew up in the 1980s some older men had one or two small tattoos. I think that’s okay, but today people have tattoos covering their whole bodies! I feel horrified and I wonder what came into human beings to start mutilating their own skin in such an extreme manner. Not just tattoos, but disgusting piercings too! And more and more people seem to enjoy pervert fetishism such as urolagnia (pissing) or fisting. Yikes! That’s so disgusting! It’s not sexual or erotic at all. This has nothing to do with sexual freedom! If you look at profiles of gay and bisexual men on dating websites, you’ll see that most gay and bisexual men seem to like these dirty activities. It’s really difficult to find a boyfriend who’s not into these sick fantasies.

And there are more divorces than ever before. Lovers don’t even stay together anymore. Families falling apart! So many orphans worldwide! There’s child abuse, child trafficking and child pornography, but people don’t really seem to worry about this. It’s so heartbreaking! And something horrible has happened to the music and film industries, because most music doesn’t sound romantic anymore. Most artists make crap music: no heart and no soul. And there’s so much violence in movies these days. I rarely go to the movie theater. Bad screenplays too! There’s too much action. It’s all about the money. I’d rather stay home. I think that a lot of criminals use music or film to make a lot of money fast. They are drugs dealers too!

What’s happening to mankind? What’s happening to this world? What’s happening to your spirits? Actually, I know what happened and I’m yearning to tell, but I can’t reach people, because I don’t have a social network. What happened in April 2010 might have been the most important event after 9/11 in New York and the American-British war in Iraq in March 2003. You people are under the spell of a very powerful and evil dragon! Wake up before it’s too late! I think I’m losing you. The dragon is awake! You cannot see him, but I can SEE him! I’ve seen the devil in many dreams since my childhood. He just appears in a different physical shape in every new dream, but it’s the same evil spirit. This is the TRUTH, because it’s what I experienced and witnessed. I did not speak out in April 2010, but I’m speaking out NOW! It’s time for you to become AWARE! Together we can CHANGE the world! It really starts with changing your way of THINKING, becoming a FRIENDLY person and showing some more RESPECT for life.

And even if there’s no hope for our planet anymore, I still feel hope for my own spirit. I’ve had some really beautiful dreams too. Recently, on 13 February 2019 I got another beautiful dream. In this dream I’m standing in the living room of a house. From the open living room I walk straight into a colorful and exotic flower garden. At the front of the garden I’m surrounded by some beautiful and extremely large white flowers. The mysterious flowers are closed and hanging down just like snowdrops (‘galanthus nivalis’), but they are so much bigger. The giant flowers (including their stalks) are over two meters tall and they are moving or shaking a bit. I can feel the spirits of the flowers communicating with me and each other. They are talking! Then suddenly my guardian angel appears right in front of me. He’s a beautiful and tall man with a brown skincolor and half long black hair which is very curly. I’ve seen him before in some other dreams. We are sitting in a cosy bed which stands in the garden and our bed is surrounded by those gigantic flowers. He embraces me right away and holds me really close to his chest and I hug him tight too. I know he will always be with me. After a few seconds he disappears again and then I wake up. I have no fear to die, because I know where I’m going to in the afterlife. There is another world in another universe and life is AMAZING there. It’s exactly the way I imagined. Don’t underestimate the power of my SPIRIT! It’s on now!

LOVE,

Ryan
8 April 2019

The Devil in Dreams (my interpretation of a bad dream that I got when I was 17)

A story I would like to share.
I’ve met the devil in dreams since my childhood.

I was 17 years old when I got this dream in
January 1996. An otherworldly man was
flying in the sky, while he carried me.
I was sitting on his lap during our flight.
It seemed like he was seated on an invisible
flying chair, while he was flying from the
cold snow mountains all the way to the hot
desert where the ABN AMRO Bank was
located in a completely unknown land
surrounded by huge mountains. There was
a big ufo station located right next to the
bank. The station was on the left side of the
main entrance of the ABN AMRO Bank.
That’s how I learned that this otherworldly
man might be the chief of all air and space
traffic. I remember that the flying machines
had various shapes and one flying machine
looked square like a cube and it was made
of transparent materials, so I could see the
pilot inside the machine. The otherworldly
man and I landed right in front of the main
entrance of the bank. I jumped off his lap.
He smiled at me and was so handsome.
Then we entered the ABN AMRO Bank.
So we walked inside and then another
handsome man (an employee) sitting
behind the reception desk welcomed us.
I stood right in front of the reception desk
and the otherworldly man stood right next
to me. I had to deliver a small piece of paper
with my name written on it. I guess that
piece of paper was a symbol of my contract.
I put the piece of paper in a basket standing
on top of the desk. In the basket there were
hundreds of pieces of paper. Each piece of
paper revealed the name of another person.
I guess I was just another number at this
bank. Then we left the building again and
that’s all I remember. I guess I woke up
after this.

Was this just a dream? I don’t think so.
After receiving this dream in 1996 I kept
wondering for many years who this
flying handsome charming man was. In the
dream I knew exactly who he was, but as
soon as I woke up I forgot. So that’s why
I kept wondering about his identity. Is this
man a good spirit or a bad spirit? Is he an
angel or a devil? Maybe both? In my heart
I knew who that flying man was, but I was
still in denial. I was a very lonely gay
teenager, so of course I got a crush on him
and I started romanticizing him in my mind.
It took me a long time to be honest with
myself and confess his true evil identity.
Obviously, the truth is that a demon
disguised as a handsome man tried to
tempt me in dreams and manipulate me
into signing some kind of contract.
When I was 17 years old, I did not know that
the devil would try to trick me in this way.
I guess I was stupid. But how do I get out of
this evil contract? I was not fully conscious
when this contract was made, so I guess that
means this contract is not valid. In my heart
this contract has never existed. Nobody
owns me. My soul belongs to me.

In the video you can read some other dreams I’ve had about the devil.
Get informed and take care of your soul!

Ryan