I am loved (song / reprise) and a story about bullying

Click on the video to listen to this a cappella song. This is only the reprise. If you like to hear the full song, then you should scroll down to one of the older articles published on the 1st of October 2021.

Lyrics by Ryan Maurice Roemer.
Filmed on 15 December 2020.

Originally, the title of this song used to be ‘I’M NOT LOVED’. I wrote this song in early 1993 when I was 14 years old. I used to sing: ‘I’m not loved. This child is not loved.’ I was a lonely black teenager who was bullied at high school, because I was different and gay, so with this song I expressed my pain and sorrow. Actually, bullying had already started when I was 12 years old. I was bullied by some older white boys in my neighbourhood Houtwijk in The Hague in the Netherlands. They always called me a ‘faggot’. They didn’t like me, because I was a girlie boy with a feminine type of voice. One day a large group of older teenboys, maybe 10 boys, started throwing big stones at me. In the afternoon me and a friend (a Dutch white boy) went to a little nature park in my neighbourhood. He was 12 years old just like me. He was a junior swimming champion and loved water sports, so we went sailing in a mini inflatable boat in the waters of this little park. The group of bullies saw us and walked to the ditch side and started throwing big stones at me and calling me a ‘faggot’ and they screamed that they hated me and wanted to beat me up. It was very overwhelming and intimidating. Luckily, my friend who was taller and very strong started rowing really fast in the water. We tried to escape to another part of the water, but the bullies kept following us, while they walked along the ditch side. We shouted that they should stop throwing stones, but they continued doing this for more than an hour. We tried to hide behind large plants in the water. We had to stay in our boat and could not return to the land, because those big boys stood on the ditch side and threatened to beat me up. Nobody came to help us, because nobody noticed. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed, because now my friend knew that many boys in the neighbourhood called me a ‘faggot’. That was not so cool of course. I also felt sorry that he had to experience this traumatic event because of me. I felt a bit guilty, because he was not gay or girlie at all. So this is how a beautiful sunny afternoon became a nightmare. Eventually, after more than an hour the bullies walked away, finally. It felt like survival. Even today I still have a mild form of social anxiety disorder and PTSD.

Because of this event in spring 1991 I became aware that I was very different from other boys and at that moment I knew that my life was going to be very different from other people’s lives. And indeed my life has been very different. I have received a lot of rejections from people in this life time. Even plenty of rejections from other gay people. When I was about 16 years old, my aunt who is bisexual warned me and said that gay men hate effeminate men. Well, many years later when I was 21 years old I found out that my aunt was right. I came out of the closet in 2000 and started exploring the gay scene in the Netherlands. It’s true that a lot of gay men hate femininity in other men. They hate softness in men. They think it’s something bad. I’ve never received any real support from the gay community. Most gay men (the masculine types) don’t really know what it’s like to be different. Being masculine is still a privilege in this world. Honestly, I think that a lot of gay men are afraid to show feminine characteristics. 

If you’re a girlie boy, then most people wil stay away from you. They won’t be interested in friendship and won’t pay serious attention to you, unless you dress up in drag queen clothes. People seem to like men in drag, because they like to be entertained. I know that some people wonder if I walk around in high heals and with makeup, but I’ve never done that. There’s nothing wrong with it. If men like to do that, they should feel free to enjoy it. I noticed that drag queens have become very popular in recent years. There are also a lot of straight men who like to walk around in women’s clothes and lingerie. It has become a fetish, I guess. Because of this current hype things seem to have improved for feminine men, but that’s not really the case. If you’re a girlie boy who is not a crossdresser, then you will still be rejected a lot in daily life. Not only your social life will be very different, but also your professional life will be different, because you will get fewer opportunities. So I understand why some gay men decide to start working as drag queens. Drag queens are so popular now. But that’s not something I would do, because I don’t want to be seen as a clownesk entertainer, but as a human being in the first place.

There is a reason why I became the way I am today. After so many rejections I had no choice but to grow incredibly strong spiritually. That’s the only way to survive.

I’ve changed the title of my song to ‘I AM LOVED’. From now on I will sing: ‘I am loved. This child is very loved.’ Because I cannot and don’t want to leave this planet thinking that I’m not loved. I know that the Universe loves me, the great Cosmic Spirit loves me, Mother Nature loves me and my own mother who gave birth to me loves me too. And I also love myself. In this lifetime I have encountered angels protecting and guiding me. So this is my message to all children who are victims and survivors of bullying: I know this is a very nasty world, but don’t ever stop loving yourself. And don’t let the bullies trick you into thinking that God doesn’t love you. That’s the biggest lie of all. God loves you more than you’ll ever know.

Love,

Ryan 

 

Wie gelooft in engeltjes? (songtekst)

Wie gelooft in engeltjes?
Overal vliegen engeltjes.
Echt waar, echt waar, echt waar.
Ook al vind je dat maar raar.
Ik zie een engel daar.
 
Wie gelooft in engeltjes?
Overal zingende engeltjes.
Ik zie, ik zie wat jij niet ziet.
Ik hoor, ik hoor wat jij niet hoort.
Heb je dat dan niet door?
 
Nooit meer vergeet ik dit engelbeeld.
Of heb ik het me dan allemaal verbeeld?
Zeg me, was het maar een droom?
Begrijp nou toch!
Deze droom geeft me hoop.
 
Wie gelooft in engeltjes?
Overal dansen engeltjes.
Echt waar, echt waar, echt waar.
Ook al vind je dat maar raar.
Ik zie een engel daar.
 
 
Songtekst geschreven door Ryan Maurice Roemer op 29 januari 2015.
Gefilmd op 14 december 2020.
Alle rechten voorbehouden.
 
Klik op de video om naar het a capella liedje te luisteren.

Love gave the Earth horses (song / reprise)

Love gave the Earth horses.
Love gave the Earth horses.
My Savior!
Don’t abuse your very best friend.
Your very best friend!
Love gave me horses.
Love gave me horses.
 
 
Lyrics written by Ryan Maurice Roemer in February 2015.
Filmed on 15 December 2020.
All rights reserved.
 
Click on the video to listen to the song.

Love gave the Earth horses (lyrics)

Love gave the Earth horses.
They have the power to break all evil curses.
 
Billions of years ago when the Earth was still gold.
The First Horse descended from his spaceship.
He looked around the Earth, saying goodbye to all dirt.
I knew he would be my very best friend.
 
Love gave the Earth horses.
They have the power to break all evil curses.
 
We felt the greatest force when Love created The First Horse.
Love blessed him with the greatest gift.
He walked around the seas and he cured every disease.
I knew he would be my only Savior.
 
Love gave the Earth horses.
They have the power to break all evil curses.
 
And Love spoke to mankind: ‘Don’t abuse your very best friend!’
 
Love gave the Earth horses.
They have the power to break all evil curses.
 
He will cure me.
He will cure me.
I know.
 
Love gave the Earth horses.
They have the power to break all evil curses.
Love gave the Earth horses.
They have the power to break all evil curses.
 
I have been cured.
I have been cured…. by The Miraculously Risen Horse.
 
 
Lyrics written by Ryan Maurice Roemer in February 2015.
Filmed on 12 December 2020.
All rights reserved.
 
 
Click on the video to listen to the a cappella song. Sorry, the audio quality of this video is not the best, because the internal microphone of camcorder that I used is not good. That’s why you’ll hear some distortion.

CATS APPEARING AT NIGHT (song with #Pride photos)

Cats appearing at night.

Walking quietly to the light.

But usually they don’t want to be seen,

although they are handsome and keen.

Cats disappearing from your sight.

Making you wonder if it’s just a lie,

because you don’t know where they are

and you don’t know if you’ll see them once more.

Searching and wondering.

But they are just hiding somewhere in the dark.

Lyrics, Composition & Photography: Ryan Maurice Roemer

Song recorded: 19 October 2021

Photo shoot with models: 24 April 2021

Cats appearing at night (lyrics)

Cats appearing at night.

Walking quietly to the light.

But usually they don’t want to be seen,

although they are handsome and keen.

Cats disappearing from your sight.

Making you wonder if it’s just a lie,

because you don’t know where they are

and you don’t know if you’ll see them once more.

Searching and wondering.

But they are just hiding somewhere in the dark.

Lyrics & Composition: Ryan Maurice Roemer

Filmed: 19 October 2021

Click on the video to listen to the song.

I’m not an experienced keyboard player at all, but I try….. I’m learning.

Geen roken voor mij (songtekst)

Je komt in een ziekenhuis.

En al die arme stakkertjes: hun longen zijn zwart.

Geen roken voor mij.

Al die tabak die in jouw longen komt.

Jij bent er slecht aan toe.

Geen roken voor mij.

Al die tabak die in jouw longen komt.

Jij bent er slecht aan toe.

Je komt in een cafeetje.

En de lucht daar is helemaal blauw.

Geen roken voor mij.

Al die tabak die in jouw longen komt.

Jij bent er slecht aan toe.

Geen roken voor mij.

Al die tabak die in jouw longen komt.

Jij bent er slecht aan toe.

Jij bent er slecht aan toe.

Jij bent er slecht aan toe.

Jij bent er slecht aan toe.

Jij bent er slecht aan toe.

Geen roken voor mij.

Al die tabak die in jouw longen komt.

Jij bent er slecht aan toe.

Geen roken voor mij.

Al die tabak die in jouw longen komt.

Jij bent er slecht aan toe.

Geen roken voor mij!

Geschreven door Ryan Maurice Roemer in maart-april 1990. Op 11-jarige leeftijd toen.

Alle rechten voorbehouden.

Klik op de video om naar het liedje te luisteren.

Gefilmd op 15 december 2020.

Kwetsbare wezens (songtekst)

Kwetsbare wezens, jij bent zo bang.

Ben ik zo gevaarlijk?

Jij bent weggerend voor mij.

Altijd moest jij vechten voor jouw eigen rechten.

Niemand kwam je steunen en jij kon niemand vertrouwen.

Kwetsbare wezens, jij bent zo bang.

Ben ik zo gevaarlijk?

Jij bent zo bang geworden.

Kwetsbare mensen, kwetsbare dieren, kwetsbare natuur.

Jij bent zo kwetsbaar.

Zo ontzettend breekbaar.

Zo ongelooflijk kwetsbaar.

Geschreven door Ryan Maurice Roemer op 31 augustus 2005.

Alle rechten voorbehouden.

Klik op de video om naar het liedje te luisteren.

Gefilmd op 15 december 2020.

Set me free (lyrics)

Release me now.

Take me to the clouds above.

Release me now.

Take me to the clouds above.

Release me now.

Release me now.

Set me free.

Written by Ryan Maurice Roemer on 10 July 2014.

All rights reserved.

Click on the video to listen to the song.

Filmed on 15 December 2020.

The song is based on a beautiful dream I got on 10 July 2014.

Unidentified and flying (lyrics)

It’s unidentified and it’s flying and it’s hiding between the clouds.

A bright light between the clouds.

Like a fire fly between the clouds.

Everybody’s sleeping, but I’m awake.

Everybody’s dreaming, but I’m awake.

Everybody’s missing out, but I’m awake.

Everybody’s passing by, but I’m awake.

For heaven’s sake!

It’s unidentified and it’s standing still and it’s hiding between the clouds.

Written by Ryan Maurice Roemer on 6 March 2020.

All rights reserved.

Click on the video to listen to the song.

Filmed on 14 December 2020.

The video also includes a photo of an ufo that I saw right above the clouds of the Atlantic Ocean. I made this photo from an airplane of KLM on 22 July 2019. The plane flew from Paramaribo (Suriname) to Amsterdam (Netherlands).