Categorie archief: Society

I am loved (song / reprise) and a story about bullying

Click on the video to listen to this a cappella song. This is only the reprise. If you like to hear the full song, then you should scroll down to one of the older articles published on the 1st of October 2021.

Lyrics by Ryan Maurice Roemer.
Filmed on 15 December 2020.

Originally, the title of this song used to be ‘I’M NOT LOVED’. I wrote this song in early 1993 when I was 14 years old. I used to sing: ‘I’m not loved. This child is not loved.’ I was a lonely black teenager who was bullied at high school, because I was different and gay, so with this song I expressed my pain and sorrow. Actually, bullying had already started when I was 12 years old. I was bullied by some older white boys in my neighbourhood Houtwijk in The Hague in the Netherlands. They always called me a ‘faggot’. They didn’t like me, because I was a girlie boy with a feminine type of voice. One day a large group of boys, circa 10 boys (ages: 13 to 15), mostly white boys and one Indian-Surinamese boy, started throwing big stones at me. In the afternoon me and a friend (a Dutch white boy) went to a little nature park in my neighbourhood. He was 12 years old just like me. He was a junior swimming champion and loved water sports, so we went sailing in a mini inflatable boat in the waters of this little park. The group of bullies saw us and walked to the ditch side and started throwing big stones at me and calling me a ‘faggot’ and they screamed that they hated me and wanted to beat me up. It was very overwhelming and intimidating. Luckily, my friend who was taller and very strong started rowing really fast in the water. We tried to escape to another part of the water, but the bullies kept following us, while they walked along the ditch side. We shouted that they should stop throwing stones, but they continued doing this for more than an hour. We tried to hide behind large plants in the water. We had to stay in our boat and could not return to the land, because those big boys stood on the ditch side and threatened to beat me up. Nobody came to help us, because nobody noticed. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed, because now my friend knew that many boys in the neighbourhood called me a ‘faggot’. That was not so cool of course. I also felt sorry that he had to experience this traumatic event because of me. I felt a bit guilty, because he was not gay or girlie at all. So this is how a beautiful sunny afternoon became a nightmare. Eventually, after more than an hour the bullies walked away, finally. It felt like survival. Even today I still have a mild form of social anxiety disorder and PTSD.

Because of this event in spring 1991 I became aware that I was very different from other boys and at that moment I knew that my life was going to be very different from other people’s lives. And indeed my life has been very different. I have received a lot of rejections from people in this life time. Even plenty of rejections from other gay people. When I was about 16 years old, my aunt who is bisexual warned me and said that gay men hate effeminate men. Well, many years later when I was 21 years old I found out that my aunt was right. I came out of the closet in 2000 and started exploring the gay scene in the Netherlands. It’s true that a lot of gay men hate femininity in other men. They hate softness in men. They think it’s something bad. I’ve never received any real support from the gay community. Most gay men (the masculine types) don’t really know what it’s like to be different. Being masculine is still a privilege in this world. Honestly, I think that a lot of gay men are afraid to show feminine characteristics. 

If you’re a girlie boy, then most people wil stay away from you. They won’t be interested in friendship and won’t pay serious attention to you, unless you dress up in drag queen clothes. People seem to like men in drag, because they like to be entertained. I know that some people wonder if I walk around in high heals and with makeup, but I’ve never done that. There’s nothing wrong with it. If men like to do that, they should feel free to enjoy it. I noticed that drag queens have become very popular in recent years. There are also a lot of straight men who like to walk around in women’s clothes and lingerie. It has become a fetish, I guess. Because of this current hype things seem to have improved for feminine men, but that’s not really the case. If you’re a girlie boy who is not a crossdresser, then you will still be rejected a lot in daily life. Not only your social life will be very different, but also your professional life will be different, because you will get fewer opportunities. So I understand why some gay men decide to start working as drag queens. Drag queens are so popular now. But that’s not something I would do, because I don’t want to be seen as a clownesk entertainer, but as a human being in the first place.

There is a reason why I became the way I am today. After so many rejections I had no choice but to grow incredibly strong spiritually. That’s the only way to survive.

I’ve changed the title of my song to ‘I AM LOVED’. From now on I will sing: ‘I am loved. This child is very loved.’ Because I cannot and don’t want to leave this planet thinking that I’m not loved. I know that the Universe loves me, the great Cosmic Spirit loves me, Mother Nature loves me and my own mother who gave birth to me loves me too. And I also love myself. In this lifetime I have encountered angels protecting and guiding me. So this is my message to all children who are victims and survivors of bullying: I know this is a very nasty world, but don’t ever stop loving yourself. And don’t let the bullies trick you into thinking that God doesn’t love you. That’s the biggest lie of all. God loves you more than you’ll ever know.




The 2010 Volcanic Eruptions of Eyjafjallajökull Released an Evil Spirit on the Earth

Although it’s April 2019 right now, I would like to travel back to April 2010 when the volcano Eyjafjallajökull erupted on Iceland. Sometimes we need to go back in time to understand the present. Eyjafjallajökull started erupting on Wednesday 14 April 2010. This was not an ordinary eruption, because it had big consequences for air travel in the Netherlands (where I live) and many other countries in Europe. On Thursday 15 april 2010 the Dutch authorities officially cancelled air travel, because a gigantic ash cloud would come over the Netherlands. Of course a volcanic eruption is never ordinary, but this eruption was very different from other eruptions, because it released an evil spirit. Why do I believe this? Please let me explain and don’t judge too soon.

During the night from 14 to 15 April 2010 I got a really weird dream. Maybe I’d better call it a nightmare, because this dream is extremely disturbing and creepy. In this dream I meet a wild man who appears in my house and walks around there. I don’t know what he’s doing here, because I never invited him. He looks like a wild man from the forest. He’s white, tall, athletic and completely naked and makes some animalistic sounds and he walks like a drunk man. He has a half long white beard and very long white hair falling straight from his head to his buttocks. Although he looks like a human being, he’s still very different, because he looks supernatural. I can’t really explain this. I think he’s a magician coming from a different world or dimension. Maybe his origins are extraterrestrial.

In my dream this wild man walks up the stairs. From my bedroom I can see him walking upstairs, because the door of my room is open, but he doesn’t enter my bedroom, because he knows that I don’t want him to enter. But he keeps looking at me, so I walk to him, because I wonder what this stranger is doing in my house. It’s an unusual situation, because I’m dressed and he’s naked. Then he walks down stairs and I follow him to see where he’s going. There he enters another room and keeps standing next to the bed. He seems to be very horny, because he tries to seduce me in an unapologetic way. He turns around and bends over to show his ass. He looks at me and keeps waiting for me to mount him, but I refuse to fuck his ass. Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean that I like anal sex. In fact, I don’t like anal sex. I simply don’t want to touch him at all, because my spirit feels that this creature is very evil. I guess he’s disappointed or angry that I refuse to fuck his ass, because then something really horrible happens. He starts throwing up in the room and he’s doing this on purpose! He doesn’t hurt or attack me personally, but he wants to make the whole room around me dirty. His vomiting is like a volcanic eruption. It comes on the walls, the bed, the furniture, the mirror and the floor. It’s everywhere! I have never seen anything like this. It feels like an evil dragon is spitting huge balls of fire through the room. Then after a while I wake up in my bedroom and everything is peaceful again.

I got up in the morning of April 15th. Of course I felt confused by this disturbing dream and tried to figure out what it could mean. I was aware this is not just another dream. I felt angry and was thinking: ‘How dare this evil spirit come in my dream, in my mind and in my house! He’s so disrespectful! Get the fuck out of my life!’ It feels like spiritual harassment. The dream is not about sex. It only seems that way. It’s just a game that he plays. I call it ‘temptation’. I don’t believe he’s interested in sex. He’s only pretending. What he really wants, is my soul, but he will never get my soul, because my soul belongs to me. That makes him angry and that’s why he wants to destroy everything around me and he wants to isolate me and he wants to hurt the people that I love, but I will never allow him to do that. By the way, this was not the first time that I met the devil in a dream. I’ve met him many times before in dreams and he looks different in every dream.

I don’t remember exactly what time it was, but a little later in the morning or afternoon I saw a huge ash cloud in the sky from the windows of my bedroom, although the ash cloud was still far away. I lived really close to the coast in The Hague, so I could see the ash cloud right above the North Sea. I was shocked, because I had never seen a natural phenomenon like this before. A little later I talked about it with my family, but I never told them my dream, because I didn’t want to frighten them. I turned on the TV to listen to the news and I heard an annoucement that all airplane flights would be cancelled. I wondered if there was a connection between this volcanic eruption and the evil wild man in my dream, but I didn’t want to pay too much attention to this sick dream, so I tried to forget it and simply move on with my daily life.

Through the years I’ve wondered why this evil spirit revealed himself to me. There might be an explanation. In Spring 1990 when I was 11 years old, I wrote a little song about a volcano. The title of this song is ‘A libra is like a volcano’ (Original Dutch title: ‘Een weegschaal is net een vulkaan’). A few years later in October 1997 when I was 19 years old, I made a drawing with colored pencils and I called it ‘The Libra Volcano’. It used to hang on the wall in my bedroom. For me personally The Libra Volcano is about emotional balance, harmony with nature and peace. Maybe this song and this drawing caught the attention of an evil spirit. It’s possible that he interprets my song and drawing in a very different way. I guess he thinks that I’m interested in a volcanic spirit like him. Well, of course I’m interested in the forces of nature, because I love the Earth, but I’m not interested in nasty spirits like him.

But now it’s nine years later (April 2019) and I look back at all those years and everything that has happened in the world. I realize that this dream is not about me or my family, but it’s about the world. The evil spirit wants to pollute and destroy my home and that’s the Earth. So much drama has happened in Europe and the rest of the world since April 2010: the financial crisis and bankruptcy of Greece (the oldest country in Europe), a high rate of unemployment in the Netherlands and other European countries, multiple terrorist attacks in cities all over the world, the rise of ISIL (Islamic State) in the Middle East and Boko Haram in West Africa, kidnapping girls in the town of Chibok in Nigeria, huge numbers of refugees coming from Syria and Africa, refugees dying in the Mediterranean Sea, human trafficking, the re-emergence of xenophobia in Europe, the Brexit drama in the United Kingdom, the rise of neo-nazism in Europe and the USA, an increase of antisemitism, polarization between black people and white people in the Netherlands after criticism of the annual Dutch tradition of Sinterklaas and Zwarte Piet (= Saint Nicholas and his servant Blackface), racial profiling by policemen in the United States which caused the Black Lives Matter movement, the escalation of the conflict between Palestinians and Israelis, the mass murder of Palestinian children by Israeli soldiers and politicians, the rise of a new Cold War between Russia and the USA and Western Europe, the threat of a nuclear war between the USA and North Korea, the outbreak of ebola virus in West Africa in 2013 and zika virus in South America in 2015 and the financial and presidential crisis in Venezuela in 2019.

There’s also a financial crisis in Suriname which is the country where my parents come from. Everything has become very expensive and salaries are very low. Criminality and political corruption are big problems in Suriname. Another big problem: The Earth is losing so many forests, trees and animal species. And our seas and rivers are filled with plastic objects. It will get harder to get clean drinking water in the future. Fresh air might become a rarity too, because we keep polluting the air with our bad ways of living. Last but not least, I’m still shocked by the mysterious accidental death (or murder?) of some talented famous singers from the 1980s who died way too young. They died so quickly after each other.

Everything has become more extreme in recent years. More and more men and women mutilate their own skin with tattoos covering their whole bodies and even their faces. I’m very worried about this. I don’t have any tattoos, because I don’t like it. When I grew up in the 1980s some older men had one or two small tattoos. I think that’s okay, but today people have tattoos covering their whole bodies! I feel horrified and I wonder what came into human beings to start mutilating their own skin in such an extreme manner. Not just tattoos, but disgusting piercings too! And more and more people seem to enjoy pervert fetishism such as urolagnia (pissing) or fisting. Yikes! That’s so disgusting! It’s not sexual or erotic at all. This has nothing to do with sexual freedom! If you look at profiles of gay and bisexual men on dating websites, you’ll see that most gay and bisexual men seem to like these dirty activities. It’s really difficult to find a boyfriend who’s not into these sick fantasies.

And there are more divorces than ever before. Lovers don’t even stay together anymore. Families falling apart! So many orphans worldwide! There’s child abuse, child trafficking and child pornography, but people don’t really seem to worry about this. It’s so heartbreaking! And something horrible has happened to the music and film industries, because most music doesn’t sound romantic anymore. Most artists make crap music: no heart and no soul. And there’s so much violence in movies these days. I rarely go to the movie theater. Bad screenplays too! There’s too much action. It’s all about the money. I’d rather stay home. I think that a lot of criminals use music or film to make a lot of money fast. They are drugs dealers too!

What’s happening to mankind? What’s happening to this world? What’s happening to your spirits? Actually, I know what happened and I’m yearning to tell, but I can’t reach people, because I don’t have a social network. What happened in April 2010 might have been the most important event after 9/11 in New York and the American-British war in Iraq in March 2003. You people are under the spell of a very powerful and evil dragon! Wake up before it’s too late! I think I’m losing you. The dragon is awake! You cannot see him, but I can SEE him! I’ve seen the devil in many dreams since my childhood. He just appears in a different physical shape in every new dream, but it’s the same evil spirit. This is the TRUTH, because it’s what I experienced and witnessed. I did not speak out in April 2010, but I’m speaking out NOW! It’s time for you to become AWARE! Together we can CHANGE the world! It really starts with changing your way of THINKING, becoming a FRIENDLY person and showing some more RESPECT for life.

And even if there’s no hope for our planet anymore, I still feel hope for my own spirit. I’ve had some really beautiful dreams too. Recently, on 13 February 2019 I got another beautiful dream. In this dream I’m standing in the living room of a house. From the open living room I walk straight into a colorful and exotic flower garden. At the front of the garden I’m surrounded by some beautiful and extremely large white flowers. The mysterious flowers are closed and hanging down just like snowdrops (‘galanthus nivalis’), but they are so much bigger. The giant flowers (including their stalks) are over two meters tall and they are moving or shaking a bit. I can feel the spirits of the flowers communicating with me and each other. They are talking! Then suddenly my guardian angel appears right in front of me. He’s a beautiful and tall man with a brown skincolor and half long black hair which is very curly. I’ve seen him before in some other dreams. We are sitting in a cosy bed which stands in the garden and our bed is surrounded by those gigantic flowers. He embraces me right away and holds me really close to his chest and I hug him tight too. I know he will always be with me. After a few seconds he disappears again and then I wake up. I have no fear to die, because I know where I’m going to in the afterlife. There is another world in another universe and life is AMAZING there. It’s exactly the way I imagined. Don’t underestimate the power of my SPIRIT! It’s on now!


8 April 2019


OLD TESTAMENT, Leviticus chapter 18 verse 22. The false Hebrew god speaks to Moses:
‘You shall not lie with a male as lie with a woman; it is an abomination.’

OLD TESTAMENT, Leviticus chapter 20 verse 13. The false Hebrew god speaks to Moses:
‘If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them.’

NEW TESTAMENT, Romans chapter 1 verse 26-27. A letter written by Paul the Apostle to the Romans:
‘For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was meet.’ (King James Version)

NEW TESTAMENT, Romans chapter 1 verse 26-27. A letter written by Paul the Apostle to the Romans:
‘Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.’ (New International Version)

NEW TESTAMENT, 1 Corinthians chapter 6 verse 9-11. A letter written by Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians:
‘Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.’ (King James Version)

NEW TESTAMENT, 1 Corinthians chapter 6 verse 9-11. A letter written by Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians:
‘Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men, nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.’ (New International Version)

From a young age I knew that I was different. As a young child I was a girly boy, because I had a girly voice and I played with dolls and My Little Ponies. When I was about 7 years old, I loved dressing up, so sometimes I wore my mother’s dresses which were way too large for me, and I loved making wigs. I never wanted to be a girl, but dressing up was just fun to me when I was a little child, although I stopped doing it when I was about 10 years old. I simply lost interest for women’s clothes. Maybe because I discovered other hobbies. When I was 12 years old, other children in my neighbourhood started bullying me and calling me a faggot, because I was a 12 year old boy with a girly voice. When I went to high school students bullied me for many years. I was bullied for my brown skin color, but also for being a sissy. They didn’t want to sit next to me, because they believed that I had aids, but I had never been intimate with another boy or man at that time. So it was prejudice and fear. I was so innocent at that time. When I was 17 years old, I didn’t even know what gay sex exactly meant. I had no idea what kind of sex two men could have with each other. But I was very much aware of the fact that I was gay.

I’ve always felt attracted to other men. When I was 6 or 7 years old, I already started getting crushes on other boys at school (Nutsschool Morgenstond in The Hague, Netherlands). For example, there was an older boy with dark hair at my school, much older than I was, maybe he was 11 or 12 years old, and I thought he was so beautiful. During the lunch break I went to our playground, I was only 6 or 7 years old, and I couldn’t help looking at this gorgeous older boy with dark hair. This older boy had a blond friend who was the same age (11 or 12) and this blond guy became my big friend at school and he protected me. But there were also some other kids (mostly girls) who became my friends. I had a great time at elementary school.

Many years later, when I attended a catholic high school (St. Janscollege in The Hague), things had changed. At high school there was nobody who protected me. There was nobody who comforted me when I felt sad. Not even school teachers were able to stop the bullying. So I had to learn to stand up for myself. In 1993 or 1994 when I was 15 years old, a few boys at school asked me if I was gay and I said ‘yes’. Then they got angry and started calling ugly names to me. Soon everybody at school knew it. After this bad experience I was afraid to come out of the closet, because I was afraid for people’s reactions, although everybody already suspected that I was gay, because I came across effeminate because of my girly voice. But still it took me a long time to come out. Eventually on 7 October 2000 when I turned 22 years old, I finally came out to my parents and other family.

Even today I’m still being discriminated against when I apply for a job. So many employers rejected me and said I was too “soft” for the job. People always think I’m too soft, because I have a soft and feminine voice. Whenever I talk to people on the phone, they always think I’m a woman, so then I have to tell them I’m a man. There have been many prejudices against me and my career has really suffered because of that. I have a master’s degree and bachelor’s degree in Art History (Leiden University). Yes, I know that for most art history graduates it’s hard to find a job in this era, but that’s not the only reason I can’t find a decent job in a museum or someplace else. There’s also a lot of prejudice against me, because whenever people see me and hear my voice, they immediately think I’m gay. Somehow they always think I’m too soft for the job. They won’t take me seriously, because they think I’m just a sissy. I can’t help having a soft voice and looking skinny. I’m not a macho looking man, but I know I’m tough enough for any job!

For many years I’ve wondered where these prejudices come from. Well, I think this hatred comes from religions such as Judaism, Christianity and Islam. These religions have caused so much suffering in this world, not only discriminating against homosexuals and lesbians, but especially discrimination against men who are naturally feminine. People will accept a gay man much quicker if he keeps acting masculine (straight-acting), but they will reject a gay man who comes across a bit feminine. This is crazy, because there’s some femininity in every man and there’s some masculinity in every woman. That’s nature! Every child is created by a man and woman! You’ll get dna from both sexes. Don’t feel ashamed of that!

I was born in The Hague, Netherlands on 7 October 1978 and raised in a catholic family, because my mother and father come from catholic families in Suriname (South America). I was baptized in a catholic church in The Hague on 6 January 1980 when I was 1 year old. But my parents were not strict catholic, so I was lucky. I had a lot of freedom. My parents split up in summer 1983 and then my mother married a Dutch man (my stepfather) who is not religious at all, but my mother and I kept our faith. I started having doubts about christianity when I was 18 years old, because the whitewashing of Yeshua (Jesus) seemed suspicious to me. Another reason, many christians always use a double standard and they are so pretentious. They condemn a loving kiss between two men, but they enjoy watching violence in Hollywood movies, video games and on television. Many christians in the United States also support gun possession. Their way of thinking is just so ridiculous. It’s all brainwashing and I will not tolerate it any longer!

The false god in the Bible needs to go! When I was a little boy reading the Bible, Genesis chapter 22 (Binding of Isaac), I always thought it was very strange that this so called “god” tempts Abraham to sacrifice his own beloved son Isaac. What kind of god would ask something like that to a mortal? What a bully! Obviously, this god wants to put fear in people, so he’s not loving at all. It’s a clear example of power abuse (reference to #metoo movement). Just because a god is more powerful, does that make it okay to abuse his power in this way and to bully our loved ones? Hell no! Of course I know that Abraham did not have to sacrifice his son eventually, but still the idea that a god would dare to ask something like that is so disrespectful and evil. A true loving God would never ask something like that, because it’s unnatural to kill your own child! This biblical god is evil and we have to let him go! He acts like a typical alpha male bully who doesn’t have any respect for the LGBT community. Biblical god, you are dismissed!

There’s only one positive thing coming from the Bible and that’s Yeshua (Jesus). The way Yeshua helped outcasts and sick people is a story that has touched me. I believe he really cared for those people. I just don’t understand, how could the Hebrew biblical god Jahweh be the “Father” of Yeshua? Yeshua seems like such a good loving person, while his so called “Father” is the complete opposite. His “Father” seems so aggressive, violent, misogynistic and homophobic. Are Yeshua and Jahweh really the same person? Well, I hope not!

Written by Ryan Maurice Roemer on 29 March 2018.

RACISME BESTAAT NOG STEEDS (English: Racism still exists)

Ongelooflijk dat veel mensen denken dat racisme niet meer bestaat. Alsof dat iets van het verleden is. Maar helaas behoort racisme helemaal niet tot het verleden. Het is overal en vooral internet laat zien dat er nog veel mensen met racistische denkbeelden rondlopen. Ook in Nederland zijn er nog veel racisten. Ze maken smakeloze grappen over een goede man, Nelson Mandela, die een uiterst belangrijke bijdrage geleverd heeft aan de afschaffing van apartheid in Zuid-Afrika. Lees het artikel in de Waterkant maar eens. Racisten vergelijken Mandela met Zwarte Piet. Het artikel laat dus duidelijk zien dat er wel een verband is tussen Zwarte Piet en racisme.


It’s hard to believe that many people think that racism doesn’t exist anymore. They think racism belongs to the past. But unfortunately, racism doesn’t belong to the past at all. It’s everywhere and especially the internet shows us there are still many people with racist ideas in this world. There are also many racists in the Netherlands. They make nasty jokes about a good man, Nelson Mandela, who was responsible for ending the apartheid system in South Africa. Just read the article from the Waterkant newspaper. Racists compare Mandela to Black Pete. So the article clearly shows there is a connection between Black Pete and racism.

De dood van Mandela en het racisme in Nederland